can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
