i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
