dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
