you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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