How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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