How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize