I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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