the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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