Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
