If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
