If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
