Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
