i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
