first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
