Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
