foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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