Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
