I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
