so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
