I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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