my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize