Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
