I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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