so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
All the doctor said was why
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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