Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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