That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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