Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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