I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
