People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
