And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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