he wants to bone in the snuggie
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
