Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
