My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
