he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
