I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
