Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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