I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
