nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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