Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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