I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
