So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
