you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
