He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize