I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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