apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
