Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
