My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
