My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize