If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
