you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
