it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize