I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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