You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Send help, water and tortillas.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
There are leaves in my underwear?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
