I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
