Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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